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I read an article about cancer PTSD awhile back and  if you want to read it here it is. But let me say a few things first. The first Doctor who used the words “you have ptsd from cancer”  with me was my GI doc for my first colonoscopy when I asked if I could take a valium before the proceedure. I said”I can do it without but it will take a lot of energy just to walk into the room.” I didn’t share my ptsd experiences with anyone. I didn’t share my depression with anyone and only shared on here about a year after it was over(or more). I still have moments of PTSD.

I heard recently about a woman who carries the BRCA gene who had cancer and decided to have a minimal treatment and I started to cry. I can’t tell you why that happened. It is her choice and our choices are the only control we have while going through it. Another woman I know carries the gene and has chased it around her body.  Every decision is personal to each of us and it carries with it the chance to live or die. It sounds drastic but it is that simple. We have to be content with out decisions.

Now I am cleaning my closets–I am always cleaning closets! I am a mom and it is my job. This time it is different though–I am removing clothes I bought while I was sick or in various stages of recovery and reconstruction. I had gotten rid of a number of them before but now I find I don’t want to see any of it. Time for a fresh take on my closet and time for a new outlook with no reminders in cloth form. I know, like a death of a loved one, I will continue to be blindsided by memories and sorrow but I will not live there–I haven’t before and i won’t know.

I hear about survivor’s guilt–I don’t have it–I do have sorrow for friends I have lost despite their best efforts to survive and I find it horribly sad. My way of dealing with it is to live each day more fully and to refuse to back down and refuse  to give into sorrow and depression.

This is a year of new beginnings which also means it is a year of endings. I am going to try to live in the here and now and also to concentrate on the idea of starting fresh. I have one child starting high school and one starting college in August. I am so excited to see what the new world is for them. Just don’t ask me on August 17th not to cry a bit…I am only human and if you see me on an airplane heading home to LA please have pity on me and pass the kleenex!

I love that in this picture no one’s feet are touching the ground…