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In the past year or so I have had many scary and physically uncomfortable moments–my mind has gotten me through these times—but you may ask what did I think about? I remember being with mom and going through a chemo(maybe -probably it was chemo) and her saying think about the girls. I couldn’t. you would think this would be a sure fire way of making me feel better when I was scared exhausted beyond measure or hurting. I found that, with one exception, if I thought about them I got terrified. Terrified that they would lose me—more terrified that I would have to leave them. I was already away from them so much both because of treatment and because of wanting to keep my own thoughts and fears to myself, that I didn’t want to be away more.

I did think about them when I was getting my port placed which was the moment that bothered me the most, really. I looked into the eyes of a lovely nurse/ assistant and told her all about the two of them…in detail. When I go get my port out(soon I hope) I will probably think and speak about them again as it made me strong that day.

Other things I did to get through—Sing(really this is an old standby cheerer upper for me)–show tunes standards, country and classic rock.
                                                   pray–talked to God a lot–used my spiritual treatment prayer a lot!
                                                   Meditate
                                                    Imagine going on trips
                                                    Imagine being interviewed about my experiences–ok slightly embarrassing to admit this
                                                    Thought about : traveling, trips to take, romance novels—remembering books, poems, monologues and reciting them in my head

So the truth was that if I thought about my family I got scared–I had to come up with other ways to occupy my mind as there were so many scary and difficult moments for me—
during my mammogram
during my ultrasound
during the fine needle aspiration
before my mri sitting in that damn hall for over an hour,
every time I checked my breast before we knew,
before my core needle biopsy,
after the phone call that changed my life
before my meeting with Dr S plastic surgeon,
before  and during my :
blood work for surgery,
Chest x ray and ekg
night before my mastectomy
every day in the hospital–add the indignity of getting your period to the mastectomy!
When my iv breeched and I couldn’t get my dr on the phone and the battleax tried to put the iv in my hand with no numbing stuff
my first time in public with less breast
my scans–head with and without contrast,
body with and without contrast–hands over head for 45 minutes
bone scan(this one was fascinating though cause I could see the computer mapping me)
port placement
eco cardiogram every 3 months
every inflation of my expanders
every chemo
every hydration–this wasn’t scary just a boring 2 more hours in the chair
the few days to a week after chemo which was feeling lousy time
When my hair was shaved(though this was actually fun I must admit–how many of us have wanted to do this very thing when our hair was vexing?)
the first time I got the neuropathy in my hands
When I got my infection in my right breast–wondering if I could take the antibiotics I was taking for it
When my surgeries got put off and off again
when my eyelashes fell out after I was DONE!
the night before my latest surgery
the 5 days in the recovery place learning how to use my body again

Are there more? I will have to count it up sometime and see…
And you see the above list were only times I feared for myself —not anything that happened at school or  sports with my kids—or when kids were mean at school—I pray a lot and that isn’t changing—it only grows stronger as I rely on my faith and my god to get me through. It is the only way to handle it all don’t you think?